31

Feels like what I do
And what I can do are so
Far apart (right now).

30

I let day take me
And bask in friendship that won't
Fade, no matter what.

29

Struggle with myself.
And barter and try and fail.
Recommit again.

28

I pulled rosemary
From a wild bush and wonder
Who else does this here

27

We do not ask to
Enter this world. I still think
About my purpose.

26

Watching interviews, 

Fixating on flawed human.

A means to let go.

25

The snow-in-trees-and-
Clouds-on-horizon-as-the
Sun-sets kind of light

24

The swirling comes back
Like I’m possessed, brain spirals
Deep breaths can’t calm it

23

... [continued]: Have too
much to prove to myself that
doesn't need proving.

22

Some facts about me:
Can find things. Maker of lists.
Terrible balance.

21

Mom still makes me cry
As though I need her to see
My imperfections

20

Mom, real proud, tells me,
The new WiFi password's words!
Me, Mom! Go to bed!

19

Bus driver flashes
Inside lights twice as"Hello"
To a coworker

18

the ocean called me

and i drove west to answer

in my underwear

14

People are trying
And we're still in this place where
It won't get better

13

Awake and unsure
On that homestretch now, but to
Downshift I must brake

12

I offer to drive

Turn the music up, speed home

Car's full, they're sleeping

11

I'm in the desert
In a hot tub. It's for work
But I'll still stargaze

5

I play act as cool,
Make small talk. They'd not notice
If I stayed inside.

4

Blink back tears which is
So fucking dumb since there's no
Reason to be mean

3

Car at McDonald's
Blasts old Death Cab; I transport
Back to younger days

2

It was food, I think
That put me in bed by six
And I won’t sleep well

1

I buy just enough
For tonight's meal at this store
I thought was a joke

30

Didn't even see

My former house as I passed; 

Had to look back, peer

29

Let’s get to my core
Feel fear as he erases
Trauma in shoulder

27

Still dark as I drive
Back down this mountain and back
Into what I left

26

I'll spend time with them

Whenever it's possible

Feels good to unwind

25

Head back to desert
Drink beer, play Uno, and laugh
I'll sleep under stars

24

Hit with deep despair
Left out, out here, feeling small
I can't catch myself

23

We sit outside split
She in green light me in red
Friendship as easy

22

Blink and my eyes might
Fool me and I'll see things that
Aren't there, never were

21

My brain spirals and
I can't sleep or stay awake.
My body's not mine.

20

Saw kids in danger
Turned around and what we thought
Was totally false

19

There's a balance I
Find when I'm on set and it
Makes me good at this

18

Up near Elysian

I'm last to leave, my phone's dead,

I get to walk home.

17

It's late, I'm hungry.

Van's loaded up, I'm annoyed.

Not what I had planned.

16

Raindrops confuse me
Mistake them as animals.
They suddenly stop.

15

Divide my brain up
And I mostly sit outside
At picnic table

13

Release what he called
My energetic armor.
What am I made of?

12

There's this painting that
Calms me. Purple on linen.
Recall it often.

11

Switched myself into
low power mode, as though I'm
drained phone battery

10

struggle with focus
so i keep to myself and
start to take my time

9

Inifinite. Finite.
Conversations as games and
I'd like no answers.

8

They do cannonballs
While I'm out here, trying to
Learn from reflection

7

A hippo that acts
More like a whale, in a lake,
Next to a lady

6

DR NACHO plate
distracts me, now this lady
is flipping me off

5

Sure, we call the cops
But the levels of how bad
This is stays unclear

4

Two feet touch the ground
My steady stature almost
Intimidates me.

3

I keep dreaming day
And then the day doesn't bring
Any surprises

2

We only get it
When we pay close attention
The sky rewards us

1

Drunk man hears no one

Until some dude comes up, tells him

To get the fuck out

31

My third favorite

Set of stairs and I share some

Langston Hughes poems

30

channel lorraine or
someone in my bloodline as
one ear loses sound

29

Woah. What if I stop
thinking I fail my body
by living in it?

28

It's a good a day
As any to listen to
Third Eye Blind's debut

27

Eat too much sugar
And a long drive home and I
kinda want to hurl.

26

My salad bar lunch
Was almost twenty bucks but
I justify it

25

One hundred degrees
And I'm drinking hot toddys
And feeling alright

24

I realize I
Can't do it all and now know
That I don't want to

23

Pour dollars down drain.
And by drain, I mean trash, we
Throw new goods away.

22

An old friend wakes me
Despite my excitement we
Dive back into sleep

21

I feel tall. And strong.
Not quite unafraid but I
Do count on myself.

20

It's a chill inside
I'm wrestling and closing in
On the core of it

19

An office again
Small skylight lets day peak in

I barely notice

18

she let's me fixate
I needed a lake, we drove
and I got in one

17

hot springs star gazing
and my thoughts slow, my soul rests
control limits me

16

Grind teeth to pain and
I can't chew food, caused by
Dream of plane crashing

15

Feel my body need
Fewer people, less work, sleep
Make a kind gesture

14

Energy passes
I feel it as shoulders lean
(More would be too much)

13

Sunrise and sunset
Did I think of the earth as
We worked? I did not.

12

Driving, then waiting.
And forgetting that my time
Makes up my labor.

9

say, "I'm someplace else"
and hear my voice through my ears,
but muted, distant.

8

Sick and it's a joke

As body and I argue

About what's too much

7

Squish laundry between
Work and work, drink hot toddy,
Walk home from movie

6

Realization
About myself from how I
react to respect.

5

She calls cilantro
A vegetable, I accept
(Kind of a stretch though)

4

...and I'm tired again
...on the bus wishing it was
an airplane instead.

3

Spend time catching up.
We are all gonna die as
we kill each other.

2

Just shook Kendrick's hand
in the moment it felt small
Talent surrounds us

1

Now when I'm on set
I know who to find and what
To tell them about

30

Overwhelmed at store
Starstruck for future makes food
Shopping hard today

29

Commute to office
And it feels ok since it's
Not every day

28

I hate the word chill
as their conversation hogs
my brain space right now

27

watch las madres march
and chant for stolen children
on the screen, I cry

26

"Proximity and
My Discontents" is what I'll
Call this phase of life.

25

What are we doing?
I've spent time with who I am.
Now a new question.

23

I wrangle my words
While I dig back into my
Reading, learning roots.

22

My shadow splits in
Two (but it's just the angle
Of sun and trees, right?)

21

Reading books others
Recommend and they're surprised
To hear that I am

20

My adulthoodness
Feels tenuous but I can
Talk about money

19

Day: hello! Me: nah.

18

window shakes between
tremors and I felt just a
little bit of fear

17

I have to hide out

Sometimes so I can focus

While out in the world

16

She taps her feet to
this song but her headphones can't
be playing same song.

15

townie stroll bar crawl
examine my preferred state
ambiguity

14

Not approachable,
but cars slow and offer me
rides when I'm walking.

13

Me: "I'm excited."
He says: "So are we." But our
voices stay even.

12

"It smells beautiful."
They smell their hands as they pass.
(I think about words.)

11

stop when I could go
talk to 911, provide
answers, cops show up

10

Today I am a
Body only, represent
And follow their lead

9

I soak in myself
mix my maturity with
gentleness, patience

8

Do people see thoughtful?
Or am I read as serious?
Strong? Lonely? Content?

7

feel it first in chest
like water stabilizing
swish, swish, head to toe

6

eavesdrop: men suppose

on someone's behavior and

project his reasons

5

eavesdrop: two women
argue over lunch. will they
hear each other?

4

Crease on my bedspread
Matches the crease on my skin
Divides me in thirds

3

suddenly there's rain
releases heat from sidewalk
that was trapped from sun

2

Everyone I'd
Like to see shows up in dreams
Leaves me exhausted

1

when it's so hot but
there is no shadow of you
to prove you exist

31

Thunder rolls over
Suggests a storm that won't be
Not that kind of place

30

Randomness, order
Aren't completely separate
Learn how they relate

29

He greets me saying
"Dream girl," and without pause, I
fully believed him

28

my insides feel loose
the emotions drained right out
rattle when i walk

27

Walk home from market
And feel like a whiskey and
I don't ignore urge

26

Tickets with plus ones
Get them free, I go solo
Unsure how to share

25

equilibrium 

has not been achieved and I'm

disinterested

24

Here's a person I
want to interact with more
in our non-work worlds.

23

retired hiking boots
false starts, too late for breakfast
I drive, brother sleeps

22

bike home in darkness
on a dirt road I can't see
(very close to life)

21

360 sunset
moon makes our sun a white ring
planets show themselves

20

my search for bodies
of water is relentless
sleep next to snow bank

19

wondered what percent
of people die each day as
my way of coping

18

Think of my childhood
in a color palette that's
richer than it was.

17

Grinning on treadmill
This man 3 down passes through
Mind from time to time

16

In my dream my scrapes
Had more bruises, that showed up
Days after the fact

15

the ending's perfect
my soft smile as credits roll
balance was achieved

14

Witness people try
See life as hard, real burdens.
Ride bus across town.

13

I aim to do more
things that scare me to prove fear
doesn't dictate life.

12

I hate wearing pants
And yet, here I am, learning
To ride a moto

11

I'll process later.
Cody and I talk the whole
Way back to LA.

10

With some time to kill

Olivia and I go 

Sit in a river

9

Storm we counted on
Shows up for photos, we count
Seconds from lightning

8

Chico was fine but
I really just need to get
Into the river

7

Eyes snap a vision
But it's just a felled tree and
I can't give it pause

6

into waterfall
masks our voices and we're cold
hike out before dawn

5

looking for hay bales
wager on intuition
along with some maps

4

Seek quiet. Only
Feet away from them but let
Water tune them out.

3

pink purple clouds on

metal beams comfort my eyes

I know I'm not saved

2

How different I
Feel now that I have enough
Confidence to do

1

Young couples out in
Full force, smoking weed nightly
On front steps, flirting

31

Catch mind wandering
From writing and a phone call
Let it keep going.

30

I'm drunk on purpose
Charmed myself via charming
A bunch of strangers

29

Drawn there, so I go
Expect to shine, I've saved up
Energy for this

28

Doesn't feel special
It's just work. Although friendships,
Frustrations here too.

27

We're connected on
A different plane, in some
Other dimension

26

Bike to work, to set
Revisit habit that once
Carried me through days

25

Just a day at work.
Ease into the next six days.
Make them feel easy.

24

Would I say lazy?

Yes, or stuck in "too good for."

Wasted people's time.

23

Eat too much Chinese

As we go over what we're

Gonna make this week

22

Flowers fill up my 

Home and make it feel that much

More alive today

21

Find the wall ahead
Tap lightly to know its weight
I'll stand here a bit

20

Look at my fingers
Wondering what letters I'll
Use to say the things

19

Read and reread what
I've written to cross out the
Words that aren't needed

18

How to call dream that
sits on edge of sleep, follows
for flash as you wake?

17

I'm her "ride or cry."
As I recognize today.
So mindful it hurts.

16

Open my hands to
The world and on this day the
Universe gives back

15

Lightness I read, and
Then Quickness (slowly). Take them
Straight into my life

14

SWAT team donates blood
Today too and clearly do
This regularly

13

little kid looks back
again, I look out, keep our
eye contact to once

12

Six lanes of traffic
As old couple sits on porch
Watching world go by

11

Walk to think to be
Imagine chance encounters
And follow those threads

10

With a smile, Yenni
says, "You look like you're in love."
(Marvel that it shows)

9

At 12 hours, hit wall
The heat or no caffeine or
Maybe that's enough

8

The blues allow me
This day and a bed time of
9:15 pm

7

Clarity, I say
So much of it as I trace
Feelings to the cause

6

Ah, hello tears that
Show up as giggles and turn
Into deep dark blues.

5

There are people who
Bring so much joy to my life
By being alive

4

I don't remember
This bench as blue but as my
Blues bench, it's fitting

3

Olivia walks
Me around the lake and I
Find solace in words

2

I'm thinking big thoughts
They run around circling through
I watch them swirl, sink

1

With help things seem so
Much lighter and allows me
To appreciate

30

Work through my feelings
As I help her feel as safe
As possible here

29

Thoughts move through, out me

A theme is "Satisfaction

has not been achieved."

28

Feel Drew's stress across

The street as he locks his car

Looks both ways, crosses

27

I had a haiku
But it got lost in the day
Should've written it

26

Alone, on barstool
I pretzel my legs atop
And grasp onto seat

25

Some young men approach
"Excuse me, where's Hollywood?"
I point west, they go

24

My solo happy
Isn't as giddy but I'm
Riding so high here

23

Twice today, a car
just beats me from R, then L
I went L, then R

21

End my good, drunk night
with Courtney Marie Andrew's
song "Table for One"

20

Not my home but I
Make a party, make it mine.
Hiding and happy.

19

I go alone but
I did have the thought that I
Should go with someone

18

outloud thought comes out
of my own mouth about how
i am inventing

17

On Lone Pine Lake bank
Third body of water in
Two days (They soothe me)

16

Lake Sabrina stops
My heart just long enough with
Recently snow water

15

Drive into the night
For a hot spring soak and no
Cell phone reception

14

I emerge, and plan
Many social calls today
(I've saved up for this)

13

Man walking ahead
Of me gives fruit to vet, while
I sing "Don't Think Twice"

12

Back to Memory

Almost want project to not

Go, and it doesn't

11

Sun shines morning light
Pass people who haven't slept
Warm light before grey

10

Lilit asked about
The doorknob by my window
Found what it opens

9

Call it a day off
But work shift at Dino, shop,
And make house a home

8

Comey's on tv
In Spanish at laundromat
Soaps don't distract hoy

7

Intended to walk
Into the ocean and I
Walked in and returned

6

Facing my fears by
Saying things out loud and
Then following through

5

Take my thoughts from the
Last 24 hours and make
Them into my life

4

After dinner, he wants
to put on Iron Maiden.
Drew shines light on rocks.

3

Play a made up game
With flexible rules and now
My feet are dirty

2

Walk for miles instead
Of driving to be alone
And I needed it

1

Even when day's packed
I find time, wonder on myself
Between the takes

31

What I want is big
No small feelings or what ifs.
All else, rounded down.

30

Say "clothes" correctly
Catch Mike's ear, I speak of Gabe's
Enunciation.

29

Michael toasts bagels
In cast iron on the stove.
June gloom keeps house cool.

28

Two people sit down
Next to me on my makeshift
Bench to smoke their weed

27

Solo office day
Drink a lot of water and
Relish quiet space

26

In record time I'm
Processing and plotting out
My next short story

25

He's sandwiched between
Wall and kitchen table and
Asks me not to leave

24

Clouds unexpected
He talks of salty air and
Country gets tuned in

23

we're there. was his eyes,
what he didn't say, got me
two stepping with smiles

22

There's a willingness
I have to open up to
Some but not others

21

So happy to have
Michael back home, sharing this
Fern Gully with me

20

A new compliment

Sigourney Weaver's Ripley

Take it, and then blush

19

Talk straight through blood work

Don't let my brain settle on

That needle or that fear.

17

Finding my limits.
Shoot, wrap two projects and prep
new one in eight days.

16

Lowell and I curb sit

Between his truck, my van as

Jonah rolls down hill

15

Didn't make my bed
For first time in a decade
So tired, so busy

14

Brandon drove over
A snake, later saw striking
Scene in dry lake bed

13

Sit in library
Between having to go and
Going to Barstow

12

Refer to day as
A shit soup, and the thing is
I can handle this

10

Standing by, waiting
(loss of life they're processing)
While decision's made

9

I sense I've become
A source of inspiration
To other humans

8

I eat too much cheese
then "can't help" but eat too much
Blueberry muffin

7

Extend eye contact
Attraction's forceful + real
I've fallen in love

6

Looking weeks ahead
To schedule socializing
Out of character

5

Keep "When The War Came"
Repeating as I work out
All my restlessness

4

Circle neighborhood
With new neighbor, then new friend
and dog named Molly

3

Accidentally
walk 9 miles and I've worked out
the feelings that loomed.

2

Resolve to tackle
this day (even though my brain
is not feeling it.)

1

Feel stuck and can't move
Wonder if mom had these days
Had to ignore them

30

We hide in shower

Play sardines with Parker

Laugh 'til he finds us

29

Rededicate time
To things beyond money work
Start by saying it

28

Notes settled presence
She last saw me years ago
In different world

27

Struggling a bit to
Equalize my brain's workings
With how life's going

26

Want to never wash
My hair again because the
Ocean did it good

25

Smile for timed photo
Woman's shouting "there's a whale"
Grab binoculars

24

Kneel into ocean
Salt water in my hair and
My mouth wasn't closed

23

We cover spectrum

Talk until we see ocean

Cliff camp near Big Sur

22

Intense deja vu
I wrack my brain - dream or real?
I lean towards dream

21

laugh out loud alone
from "never change. never leave."
doing my work right

20

When I'm wrapped up in
Work that's not paid (yet) I must
Gain some perspective

19

Feels so healthy to

Laugh of buying underwear

Such a metaphor

18

Go to place I know
Thankfully am swept up by
People I will know

17

Feel that darkness seep
Touches tender parts of me
I acknowledge it

16

Coffee shop floor sit
With her child when she asks if
Folks fangirl fawn me

15

Venture into night
Showing up to show up and
I do and I laugh

14

Kendrick coming out
Of all the buildings, speakers
Everywhere today

13

What I heard today
Won't fit into a haiku.
Find it, express it.

12

Ninety minutes of
Talking with Stef. Was needed.
I've been in my head.

11

easy day of work
is still twelve hours of work so
I'm home and I rest

10

Morning spa, don't sleep
after no sleep, just process,
review and reflect.

9

Mess up sleep cycle
To work all night while also
Celebrating birth

8

Make an effort to
See the film as it is made
Train my eyes and mind

7

More thoughts on how I
Can do better, be better
In new line of work

6

Compassion builds to
Crescendo and my heart folds
Bus ride, at bus stop

5

Atwater at night
Skunks actually frolic
On empty sidewalks

4

"My little brother"
He weeps, we weep, weight of death
Very heavy loss

3

I feel good at this
But there are still things I'll put
Off for way too long

2

Punch Drunk Love garage
Will be our set on Signal
Mark tells us stories

1

The people I love
Are so important and I
Don't lose sight of that

31

Sucked into own head
I realize after that
I've been processing

30

Put myself to bed
Not knowing exactly what
I want from my life

29

Heavy news and I
Called my mom about it but
If someone were here

28

Find my weak spots or
Rather they show up and I
Know I must fight them

27

Take a sick day and
Keep my eyes closed best I can
For the afternoon

26

Not fully present
Not even close, jut get job
Done (for the first time)

25

Into Hollywood
Engage in a world that I
Do not understand

24

Take time to walk when
My day is full of work and
Then order pizza

23

A revelation
With my own body, access
Muscles hidden deep

22

Gargle salt water,
oregano garlic tea,
and use neti pot

21

She waters gently
a laundromat-living plant
I feel her effort

20

I am flying as
I solo bar sit, prepare
For a group bar sit

19

It's fun and easy
Some temporary smiling
Know it's place is now

18

There are important

Women in my life and they 

Really know my brain 

17

Quarter on the ground
Yesterday, then twelve dollars
On the ground today

16

sun baked shop, old block
ladies make noise about my
blue green gold ringed eyes

15

Making perfect mix
From Mexico City streets,
Another Country

14

Over two thousand
Haikus here, each a day that
Could have gotten lost

13

My gum matches eyes
She says as she takes me in
Ham it up, feel good

12

Days can be hazy
I intend and then do half
Push on, just push on

11

In case I needed
To hear it, someone else tells
Me to trust my gut

10

watching my habits
trying to be this version
permanently please

9

after years knowing
my body's need to stretch is
abundantly clear

8

Saw my face, looks tired
Marvel at people I love
Plus all these strangers

7

The three of us see

The line, decide it's a no

Scatter to wander

6

Float on boat, picnic
But metro moved me more with
Small tears, Gentle shakes

5

Pokey meanders
Drew's got an iphone mission
Start to orient

4

just like that, we're here
in DF finding our way
to Michael, Rachel

3

Try a bike ride through

Elysian (but first to Rick's!)

Of course it feels good 

2

Women ask me for

Directions, help with transit

I'm approachable

1

White bread and cream cheese

Will tide me over until

I can do better

28

She orders au lait
that's mostly milk and I think
Can't wait to be old

27

Make my world so small
Contract it to fit inside
The tiniest box

26

In expectation 

Of a line, I order his

Americano

25

Song plays between sets
"It's a cold hearted world" these
"are cold hearted times."

24

Wake not well rested
But early and leave his house
With his dog for walk

23

Once he gets to work
Desert air is only noise
And we just witness

22

Hail wind haboob rain
Sun plays with clouds open up
Get what we came for

21

Fortunate life and
I'll be patient when I need
Keep finding the joy

20

Bust through prepro and
Feeling like one million bucks
Death Valley ready

19

Could and would spend hours
Naked in hot pools and rooms
With these two ladies

18

A day off that feels
Deserved, in my element
I'm growing and proud

17

Rain chills my bones, feet
I'll sleep well in his basement
And wake up rested

16

On the street smiling
I've been singing softly while
I walk, it's changed me

14

Jam packed day and still

Time for frozen pizza and

I'm home by midnight

13

And then some days I
Barely move my body and
Forget to eat food

12

Take on social calls
Only sort of glad I did
Know it was needed

11

Over and over
Play "Commander Thinks Aloud"
Holds my world's beliefs

10

Her dad calls me and
I say he can not cash check
He laughs, gets the gist

9

A quiet routine
of walking home or staying.
As I please, waiting.

8

giggle about it
back of my mind knocks around
potential danger

7

Any fog that was
Spinning me to dark corners
Has completely cleared.

6

milkshake and root beer
and fries and cheeseburger are
what I need right now

5

Make most of clouds as
We plan around them and make
Music video

4

Tight grip brings tears that
Recede quickly but remind
Me I'm still injured

3

Annoyed by changes
And our schedule gets squished but
It's life, we adjust

2

tearful call and I
get it, she's worried, do my
best to assure her

1

Something about how

Little I wrestle with it

What I like and don't

31

Coffee and breakfast 

In her new home, plus good talk

Float on it all day

30

Hold choices close and
Own up to them to myself
Commit to myself

29

See man with trombone
Seen him twice now, so know I'll
Be seeing him more

28

I make the move for
"showered with attention" and
Plan to leave it soon

27

Walk hours with someone
Who I know but haven't known
Decipher his signs

26

Not lonely, instead
Actively marveling at
My non-loneliness

25

Chase a thing I don't
Want to do with one I do.
Stubborn and honest.

24

Start morning off with
Hour long Monopoly game
Then drop him at school

23

Cold hands, pass Lucile
Bummed about having to prove
Myself, my feelings

22

My bearing on this
Brings tears and I'm also mad
I'm involved at all

21

Alone at the march
Follow sound of trombone to
Detention Center

19

finally, after
talking about it for weeks
i eat a donut

18

Onto the next one
Happy to have work chasing
Even as I heal

17

Producing in sling
Run around and take pain pills
Close day with trash runs

16

No time to make buds
Headphones in, polite "can't talk"
Brain's gotta focus

15

Bought sandwich supplies
Drew insists we eat ramen
Her final meal here

14

Honest talk with mom
About life, soulmates, choices
Sad but connecting

13

Grandma JB on mind
Someone else washes my hair
Mom and I walk home

12

Mom and Nikki deep
Clean the vacuum and I look
At dirty trash cans.

11

Mom gets to feel and
Witness my life, it shifts our
Relationship up

10

Let her move my arm
Not as precious as I am
Full range, but painful

9

Mom's here, she texts me
"Good morning" then walks down
Wakes me up for real

8

Olivia says:
"That's funny that that's what you're
doing" - "that's" unknown.

7

"Moved into MB'd
Old place, no door cupboards, she
left green glsss sculpture"

6

The feeling comes back

In my hand and arm as that

Spinal block wears off

5

Fixate on my teeth
How they feel against my tongue.
Wait for surgery.

4

Leave the house with no
Destination, but not in
Spontaneous way.

3

I walk and build up

My armor with streets and hours.

Running on empty.

2

See guy from my past
Back when I was fresh and just
Looking to get by

1

Rain gave way to stars
Watch the wind push wispy clouds
They fly through night sky