31

a book and two beers
alone in parent's hot tub
silence, snow, a smile

28

...not fixating too

much on what would shift this, me

towards better state.

27

Not what I want but
trying so hard to be in
this timeless state and...

12

Trying to not keep
Track of anything but the
Days as they pass me

2

Something comes to me,
I think in my cold bathroom,
Big cause is lurking

23

Holds train door open
On purpose, sneaky, pulls out
A Mickey's 40

20

cry at suggestion
of a group session which feels
like a dismissal

19

Pass a poet, then
our paths cross again and I
offer a thank you.

18

Can't sleep or don't sleep
And if there's a difference
Does it matter? No.

17

describe my state as
buoyant pessimism, we
talk of our future

16

I go out walking
Seek out eye contact, searching
These streets now know me

15

Among it all, death

Is not an in theory as I 

Walk by lifeless man

14

A slow morning stretch
in their living room followed
by french press and walk.

13

Offer my thoughts and
Glad to be counted on for
Support, decisions

12

Force myself to not
Be at home in afternoons.
What are my failures?

11

She animates, smiles
Greeting the pup through the gate
Happy to be home

10

Hold on tight all right?
He says to me and I do
Heard Take it easy

9

Few words on drive back

To this city, I scroll to

Tune out politics

8

Cody skips rocks and
I swear one makes it a third
Of the way across

7

Turned back, not close to
Golden Trout Lake but we both
know when to call it.

6

daydream to danger
psych myself out (what's the past
tense of shoot my shot?)

5

Mark says he's looked both
Up and down to me, agrees
That I'm not lazy

4

Decide, don't unpack
Push the to dos and plans to
The next week, again

3

Awake to thunder
Immediately above
Alert, and dreaming.

2

If a memory
Does not calcify, it turns
To color and awe

1

Pine needles burning
(on purpose), the smell takes me
I am comforted

31

Climb the stairs above
Once Patios to sounds
A small school band plays

30

Stretch limits walking
Mine Pátzcuaro for quiet
Unobserved, lightless

29

I'm snapped on a leash
Immediate recoil, trapped
Just wanted to see

28

the radius he
shows us is too small and my
whole being bristles

27

no fanfare, I leave
it is a plan, I feel no
push or pull for this

26

Tipsy enough to

Need to sober up before

Putting more beers back

25

Decided. I call.
While on hold, I pass Michelle.
She says I look great.

23

I've started telling
Friends, the most inner circle,
That I might need pills

22

I must abandon
The keeping track of as proof
Of measured purpose

21

There's not even joy
Just scheming for less sad, more
Productive, untrapped.

18

I decide this up
all night is punishment my
brain gives my body.

17

Truly, tornado
Unpredictable and strong
Just scary enough

14

Nile says just the right
Thing to snap my brain back to
This world for a while

13

desert used to heal
me quickly, but one day is
no longer enough

12

Try to reach something
Infinite, out there, do I
Understand myself?

11

Stay out longer since
JP is on her way plus
We are all laughing

10

Tuck museum into
This day of place to placing
(Moved, with a ceiling)

9

Feel the fog, which steals
Capacity to enjoy
This breakfast with her

8

I try to buy tea
called Seasons of Discontent 
which warrants these tears

7

Pobre Juan after
Sagebrush Sam's and I'm resigned
World does not improve

6

Feel broken, beyond
That brokenhearted, don't think
Hot spring can heal me.

5

Fuzzy sweater boobs
We misunderstand when she
Asks about DD

4

child in aisle behind
"Woah, that's Mt. Everest!" as
he's kicking my seat

3

Yes, I know how it
Sounds and but - [unfinished, lost for
good in thoughts I've thought]

2

Man on porch reading
Man on porch eating breakfast
People in the world

1

See a movie we
Discussed seeing but didn't.
Alone, before noon.

30

Walk home with setting
sun, an easy day, work was
only thing on mind

29

Now, I sometimes don't
Make my bed, usually
Do, don't have to though

28

send her a photo
illustrate how I'll sometimes
food shop by color

27

Still working my way
through a book I can't check out
at the library.

26

It's grey on purpose
Meant for me, as comfort while
Heart remains heavy

24

Time is the Thing a 
Body Moves Through moving me
to think on context.

22

Walk into Dino
Dayna, glad to see me, says
"About fucking time!"

21

Talk to Dane in line
He asks if I'm a writer
Wish I had said yes

20

Watch man start small fire
on the corner as I drive
empty pass van home.

19

Yes, we're working, but

Sujey, Brad and I also

Shoot the shit, it's nice.

14

tears (again) but these
will be the last ones for this
someone said something

13

I watch what I could
Be I could communicate
My insides like that

12

Beetle flies into
dress, I remove belt, shoo it.
They note my calmness.

11

My heart sinks. Am I?
I have been. Disposable.
Is it this simple?

10

I leave her working
While I go eat lunch at Rick's
To discuss a thing

9

I'm walking somewhere.
CRYCLUB on a license plate
and, yeah, me these days.

8

Ted looks at Sam as
I explain a book project.
"We don't deserve her."

7

told my lyft driver
to have a nice afternoon
but it's 8 am

6

of course they know him
as if they, too, were kept out,
removed from his life

4

His new apartment
Until after the sun set
Push against stubborn

3

It was intention,
Not accidental, what I
Wanted and needed

2

On top of Goat Hill
Dad cried at breakfast speaking
of his dad's discharge.

1

Dad and I scramble
Up Rim Rock, pass by his past,
A place he has been.

31

Visit with some of
My family in Raton
No need to perform

30

I can see mom, dad
As I walk through the train car
Before they see me

29

I need a small day.
Compact, shrink in, feel around
In my space, my bones.

28

Almost fear settling
Avoid spirals, move forward
It's what I can do

27

waterfall hikes and
future imagined heartbreak
then I bribe a dude

26

"That's the kind of thing
you may never recover
from," she tells a child.

25

Tears well, laundry day,
Tanya Tucker, write Lucile.
Where I meant to get.

24

I'm good at this life
Increasingly honest with
Myself, with others

23

Talked to mom and then
drove out to swim alone in
the Sandy River

22

Life's a process not
a substance which we learned from
Wikipedia

21

mourning continues
for friend who was a coward
turned me into pawn

20

slow talks, choosing the
words, diving deep in this mood
restoring myself

19

my words or my eyes
compelled him to give me my
coffee free of charge

18

so much deja vu
in the days since Vancouver
my own life haunts me

17

but now I shift to
deeper sleeps in bigger beds
while a touch lingers

16

Finally ate the
mac and cheese at West 5 and
will repeat that choice.

15

Find a public dock
I slide in in underwear
Resolved, my heart's sure

14

A full day hiking
See his land from way above
The pace of this world

13

We bet a dollar
Moonrise or moonset, both right
Under shooting stars

12

Wearing Nick's sandals
I stand, perch on rock, let time
pass. This is nothing.

11

Follow my heart on
Bus towards Bellevue; Into
a creek under stars.

10

It's a luxury,
this loneliness, as I play
with my friends' children

9

too heavy, might give
impression I haven't filled
days with closest friends

8

On nostalgia tour
I offer. Alone? she asks
and hands me ticket.

7

Trying to turn my
Intuition volume up.
Too quiet to hear.

6

Stitch untetheredness
Back in time, adrift but not
In water, on land

5

The flat feeling, dull
Even here, especially,
Thought it might vanish

4

Reflect with sea legs
in a spot I never knew.
Have I done it wrong?

3

lug suitcase through a
city, try to find myself
abort my plans for wants

2

Eavesdropping confirms:

We are attentive, good and

disappointed/ing

1

Westernesque  music
And an overpriced massage
Alone on prairie.

31

why is there a fog?
(or is it a layer of
film that protects me?)

30

Stuck my head in a
Waterfall and called a few
People who love me

29

The Captain's Bridge is
Truly the only place my
Brain can relax in

28

Lightsick, ship's still still
I already have headache
A fragile creature

27

Walk by the hotel
where I lost ring that belonged
to Grandma JB

26

friends break out in song
happy birthday, they're 80
I eavesdrop, alone

25

While we whale watch, I'm
untouched, is this because I've
seen other wonder?

24

"Park Ranger!" I shout
when Jody asks what we'd do
if not what we do.

23

I must be ready
And I am, and I go, and
I might not come back.

22

librarians held
hostage in the library
by man with box knife

21

after wrapping with
Sujey, Weldon, and Sherry
I get kid again

20

drop the cargo van
at Avon, he calls me kid
and I feel that way

19

took the bus and walked
instead of calling a car
work would've covered

18

jaywalk in front of
cop car and then pop in to
say hi to Coral

17

decide to sort out
finances when I should be
doing my work work

16

still trying to get
For Reference together
and I will, I say

15

bus driver lets me
on this out of service bus
I pick out my stop

14

While waiting for a
Walk signal, this man's peeling
Some sticker off post

13

Trick myself for a
Quick moment that I might still
Have basketball skills

12

late night walking home
decompress, letting day go
it's all a process

11

feeling for routine
dinner with Andy, Rachael
can it be weekly?

10

crying child, lungsful
inconsolable, nothing
we can do to help

9

an easy talking
Leti and I review months
as she trims my hair

8

almost alone on
way to Santa Clarita
big bus, two ladies

7

turn on Parts Unknown
and my heart, it shifts, pauses
to sit with Bourdain

6

got new bad habit
and try to trace its roots while
it's consuming me

5

earthquake nausea post
shake, lights sway, we pick apart
family, our lives

4

Throw to dos out the
window to really be with
Lauren's family

3

walking with sunset
the light is poetic, and
the moment is not

2

learned harmonica
When the Saints Go Marching In
backstage, in high school

1

I don't really want

to go to Simi Valley

but I should. I go.

29

Colleen reads my new

story, has only one note.

See her once a year.

28

Common Market lyft
My vast Seattle hip hop
knowledge surprised him

27

I had been trying
to reach her, or anyone,
To tell them this news.

26

At the bar whose name
We always forget between
My home and her home.

25

Meet at MEMORY
Regale them with stories and
Say what might be next

24

Nirvana shirt strums
Guitar softly, single chicken earring,
with a big backpack.

23

I build ladders, low
hung fruit, three lines, caves
I can crawl into.

22

I said we should meet
within two weeks, here we are
reviewing our lives.

21

Marvel at Walt's house
Climb a hill, find sitting spot,
drink a beer, make sense.

19

Neon yellow runs
across the street with what looks
like a pool-scoop pole.

17

I sit and read at
the counter of G&B
and find some solace

16

He crashed into
the sign years ago, it still
has two tears in it.

15

Nothing to show them
so we lounge and walk, which is
how we'll pass the day.

14

My brother and I
walk to coffee in LA
Feels luxurious

13

Stage is mound of dirt
My brain lingers lightly, sways
Me too, see? Me too.

12

Dodos of Love, us.
This round, we're still, drive in once.
Laugh, sleep, soak, repeat.

11

baby quails trail her
sweat dripping behind my knees
the air's not quite still

10

Text her that it's my 

too-much-food-and-only-one 

-outfit summer tour. 

9

All the shady spots
are claimed, so it's direct sun
for me on this bench.

8

Lost, a little scared

Found way, walked into ocean

Life is hard and good

6

Commit to desert
As in, commit to people
Who make me, move me

5

Observe these tears. From:
man looking at vitamins,
nanny with small child.

4

was going to be
a dream job but morphed into
a regular one

3

"You don't have to use
your time wisely, that's not what
time is for," I say

2

Even from the well
(the bottom of it, down here)
I am truly heard

1

Saw Mom, Dad, Mark, Sam

Plans that feel like miracles

Or required my yes

31

Snail's pace through city
Pitchers of beer at the Shack
Then goodbyes, for now

30

no small feat, and it's
nice to not disguise ourselves
we are who we are

29

Thunderstorms move me
Sheets, blankets of rain guide my
Family inside

28

Not a parking lot
Right next to the great salt lake
So happy I cry

27

I have cried from work
So, please, I barter with brain
Eat in fucking peace.

26

Always thought pizza
Craving was caused by sadness
And maybe it is

25

No good at whispers
We get shushed for good reason
Many things to discuss

23

Andy calls me, we meet
He won't let me forget that
We are close friends now

22

I really thought I
Was done chasing buses but
No, turns out, I'm not

20

Review her time here
Talk about our work, our worth
(Another exit)

19

I have an eye on
a man, he introduces
himself, asks my name.

17

Finished the story.
The written one. And will let
My real life unfold.

16

They're both crying as
they pull back the curtains from
Family Business

15

use dog sitting as
hook to be a writer, and
I do need the trick

14

small drips through ceiling
after poorly cut keys, both
require landlord's help

12

after Lisette I
drive to the ocean, step in
bathe in what could be

11

Blindsided by him
The brother of someone dear
Asks me real questions

10

Profound longing on
Waking: headed to the end,
We'll be forgotten.

9

This section always

makes me think of Nancy Drew.

Run it with eyes peeled.

7

Had two pairs of shoes
destroyed in one dream and that's
all I can tell you.

6

North Hollywood is
between both of us, and we
take bus post-goodbyes.

4

Disoriented
Eat mac & cheese leftovers
Walk new roads to bus

3

Vallejo races
Through my thoughts; we reconnect
Texting cross country

2

I'm striding across
The sidewalk listening to
Favorite Prince song

1

Get reference book
at library to read when
I should be working

30

This boy on the bus

A musician on sidewalk

I won't remember

29

Decide on Big Gulp

During my walk or, today's

Biggest decision

20

Passover with friends
Sink in with people who make
Up my safety net

19

Force the morning so

I can hike with Cody which

Makes me feel better

18

I also accept
Darling, but just from women
Who are my elders

16

An old woman says
Hi Sweetie as I pass by
And I'm into it.

14

Teasing, I tell mom
It's fall! when we walk through leaves
that crunch seasons late.

13

Take mom to ocean
This is the place that I feel
She most deserves here

12

As of yet, I've not
Tired of how perfect my street
Looks when walking north

11

Continuation

of our conversation as 

we get pedicures.

9

He says maybe we
Should both be Walmart greeters
Me, yeah in Monroe.

7

There's a callous that

Is starting to go away.

I cry about it.

6

Buy twenty four cans
of fish at Costco and think
it's not excessive.

5

Meant to meet Dayna
But mistook times, now run late
Mom's plane's in Burbank

29

do I decompress?

who would i be in love with?

how would i be still?

28

From his car, Matthew

shouts Welcome home! as drives by 

which makes me feel it.

27

...reveals how little

I understand about time 

And how it passes.

26

I'm tired. I'm not sure.
Not despair, but this slow pace
Best I can muster.

25

Alone I sing sway
as Built to Spill plays songs that
live inside my bones.

24

I mean to be here

Ok if mom and dad know

That I'm drunk, happy

23

In the safety of

My hometown I seek out what

I often dismiss.

22

Siblings (Mark and I)
Make a scene, stranger snaps proof
I can have fun here

21

At Hannah's, a bar

that's played radio ads I

heard throughout childhood.

20

Mark and I share beers
and I mistake that means he
likes sharing food too.

19

Imagine the truck
That lobbed the tops of these trees
In fire's aftermath

18

snow surrounds, sun shines
squinting, solo snowshoeing
(the rest is on pause)

17

beer after beer drunk
all day kind, playing cribbage
before sun goes down

16

it's just me and sam
the rest of them are below
beer cracked, sit on skis

15

strap on dad's snowshoes
wearing my sports sunglasses
existing outside

14

meet Sam at WinCo
marvel at the bulk section
best grocery store

13

At Rick's for lunch, but
Really for laughs, a repeat
Three peas in a pod

12

doubled over with
laughter at too-small table
this became foreign

9

Go to the moon and
(spider in a dreamcatcher)
Take a left, she says.

4

If I were in love
this feeling would lull me to
sleep. Instead, I dive.

3

Voice is loud enough
To pass through window, quiet
Enough to intrigue

27

He calls me boss, then
apologizes, says ma'am.
(Boss is better though.)

23

I jaywalked and saw
A coyote cross the road
Both casually

21

It comes in big waves.
(Being alive, comes in waves.)
Moments, hit like waves.

16

Bus creak, as a sound
Tied to place, tied to a time
Potholes, certain routes

12

Weird days, some of them
Body will adapt, the mind
Will find the struggle

11

Intention's tricky.
Coax the body, coax the mind.
Sleep little one, sleep.

10

I'd been thinking of
chicken wings and Budweisers
for weeks. Here we are.

9

Feel my body swell

Sharing a meal, it's a deal

(I'm still in this world)

8

Deeply distracted
Forget to take in pictures
Think, but I made it

6

Drive, peer at motels.
The word is dire. Witness it.
Do they feel this too?

5

Quiet restaurant
Never eaten pho like this
A blanket of calm

30

I point out the tears

Not from pain, though, I assure

From relief? he asks.

29

Postman hoists mail bin
Overhead as strength training
As he walks down street

28

That every so
Often flurry of reaching
Arms stretched for contact

27

As I run, I see
brief sequence of images.
Could-be creator.

26

Cry in corner (twice)

Address 31 in Ford's

If You Have To Go

25

It's just me, this life
I'm the king of this castle
I can change my mind

24

Choose a table of

Older folks but none of them

Say a word to me

23

swimming laps outdoors
take the street lamp light to be
the moon as I breathe

22

Equilibrium
Attained, and I've leveled out
Face my new normal

21

Maybe it's all fine
She says upon reflecting
Sleep like this, for now

20

the first thing I do
today is cry, so that's how
things are for me now

19

She walks up to me
A surprise, to see her here
Lives somewhere else now

18

sit outside for lunch
simple, flip through my notebooks
try to make sense of...

17

He jogs alongside
"I'm tired of being single"
He appears harmless

16

Settle on a meal.

When did I entertain last?

Feed a group some soup?

15

Eat oatmeal most days.
Today, make enough for two.
She's late, so it's lunch.

14

Abandon alarm.
Sleep when tired, wake when rested.
Search for a baseline.

13

Nothing sounds good now.

Enter stores, glance at menus.

What am I missing?

12

I fake it, also

Known as lying, I lie, which

Seemed a social move

11

What if I could see
my reflection in this cup
of coffee? What then?

10

Miss what we look for
So we hike just passed ski lift
For our fish picnic

9

discard productive

for social, which will feed me

in a profound way

8

explaining my brain
attach a silver lining
avoid word "detached"

7

I just keep walking

Grocery stores, restaurants

None of it sounds right

6

There is no normal
Self-care is not perfection
Chant myself to sleep

5

Wear my warmest clothes
Some for the first time, no joke,
In my apartment

4

Settle back in with
My routine, my lists, my planner
Organize way out

3

Feel voice hover on
Saying what I mean. Find it
Easier hours in.

2

I think to call him
And then don't, but then do, and
Then leave bad voicemail

1

sliver of moon and
Venus burst out of night sky
sights I almost hear